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Just live….everyday…every second…..just live…. smile…and share…….

January 22, 2009
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Have you ever come close to losing someone? A moment when it seemed like this was the end? When everything that you had lived for seemed meaningless ? When all the prayers in the world seemed useless? That this was perhaps the last time you would get to see that face again? When you felt helpless? Paralysed beyond belief…

One morning like any other morning, you wake up…….wake up..hearing the shouts…ma shouting…dad silent……my brother who is not moving…no movement……but his eyes flicker..
‘’He came to ask for medicine for his headache’’,…ma is saying.’’.and then he collapsed…’’..
He is only speaking with his eyes…his hands and feet don’t move…….Dad who is running with him in his arms……to the car…….a neighbour out on his morning jog comes along too..dad barely looking at him…all his thoughts concentrated on getting his son to the hospital…

’’Whatever this is ….he’ll be fine once he gets to the hospital…’’…
‘’Doctors are amazing…they’ll take care of him…” ..’’he never eats properly,all this junk food’’ ’’he just has a simple headache’’..inane thoughts,.jumbled thoughts…… the only thoughts that are keeping two parents sane as the car races towards the hospital…..

There they reach ..in barely twenty minutes…the ‘Golden Hour’ the doctors later called it…
At that moment there, they just took one look at him and admitted him into Emergency.
At that moment the doctors seemed like god…..no…. more than god…much more…because they had the ability to ‘save a life’ in their hands..

Ma calls …..I am sitting beside the phone…she tells me the doctor has asked if any ‘foreign’ substances are there in his room….?What??My brain’s not working coherently.No! I reply promptly..No!because no one knows my brother like I do…He doesn’t do drugs….

‘’But still check.’’,.ma is saying…’’please’’……’’the doctors are telling me to’’,…she says……
‘’Why?Have they found anything?’’, I ask her…hell bent on my own questions..

‘’No!’’She says,’’right now they just want to know if there is anything else that could have caused this…drugs you know..doctors say all the youngsters are doing it these days and knowing what it is, will help them’’ …ma is repeating the doctor’s words like an automaton….she is numb with shock I realize…I go to his room ….his messy room..

He’s always been so messy this brother of mine…socks lying around…a shoe thrown there…..the clothes not folded…the bedsheet all crumpled and falling off…..
I go in knowing that I will find nothing…..
But my eyes are still searching….going to corners…under the bed…
I don’t find anything…

I call ma and tell her..

More hours pass…
Then his friend comes ……’’Di, we need his clothes ..he needs to change and toothbrush and all’’
I pack everything in a bag and give it to him..
He is still waiting….looking at me..
‘’But you also need to come..’’,he says..
‘’Why?’’I ask knowing in my heart that there’s something wrong….
‘’No!I will wait for him here….he’’ll come back in the evening…then somebody needs to make dinner.,.’’I tell him..

His friend takes the keys from the table ,locks the house..
convinces me…no forces me to sit in the car…
Throughout the drive he’s talking….constantly..
‘’You know Di,Uncle and Aunty need you there …they haven’t eaten anything..’’

I feel so relieved….’’So this is why he’s taking me…ma and dad are not eating that’s why..’’

We reach the ICU…
And I see A there too….but wasn’t he with his unit in Punjab?How come he’s here?
I just spoke to him yesterday…he was still in Punjab…..the cellphone announcement was in punjabi..wasn’t it?
I am still puzzling it out……

So many of S’s friends are there…so many…
I didn’t even know he had that many…..
He’s always been popular…with everyone….across all ages…
All of them are looking so serious….Why?My brain’s frozen….gone numb..

The doctor comes out ..tells us to go inside and see him..

A is also looking lost…so lost….we both have a little baby brother sleeping inside …..but its not a natural sleep…they have given him so many medicines and drugs ..these doctors…to make him sleep…

Ma ,Dad ,A and I all go inside quietly……..
We don’t know what to do…We have never seen this…been here like this…never been inside an ICU….with a loved one lying so silent…..
What do we say to him? He can’t hear us can he?He’s been given injections…

We all go to his bed….touch him…..caress him…….ma is whispering something…dad’s just standing there….A is just looking at a
little brother’s face….

I don’t remember much of what we said or did…..that day…..

Later ,much later ..his friends told us…..of how the doctors had given up hope….how they had given him only twenty four hours at the most….told dad to call all family members……how dad had just collapsed and cried like a child…how ma had not understood a word…..

How his friends had called A in Punjab and told him…..
Why his friend had come to take me to the hospital….

But this was later..much later….months later that I was told this….

….on that day…..
at that moment….when the doctors said his chances were slim at the most…..all we wanted to do was hurt them…….do something violent…..
Didn’t they take the oath? ‘’ I will enter only for the good of my patients’’??
Then how dare they give us all this nonsense about aneurysms and intra axial..??
How dare they? How dare they spout all that crap looking so serene ? Like its just another day,another life?

This isn’t another life! Open your eyes and look! This is my baby brother! The one I have held in my arms when I was five.. The one whom I have given so many whacks to….
The only one who totally gets me when I crack a joke.
The one who introduced me to his world. .the new bands, the new movies…
The one who is the sensitive one in our family.
The one who looks up to his bhaiyya and didi.
The ‘poet’ I secretly call him. The Aquarian. Oh! so much an aquarian! He defines the word..
The one who gives ‘liberal’ a new meaning….who’s always been aeons ahead of society…..

The one who is the inventor in the family.The one who is a genius.The one who won ‘computer whiz kid’ prize in school.
The one who has a shelf full of trophies at home.My little brother the one, I and A treat like a baby. Our delicate little brother,the peace loving one, and the peace –maker….. that too..,
the quiet one ,the shy one..

The one who was ma and dad’s last ‘baby’ the one whose childhood they enjoyed so much that they didn’t want him to grow up at all…..

Our little baby brother ,the one who used to come crying to us in school…silent tears rolling down his cheeks….of how classmates bullied him.
I and A who used to get so furious and went stalking off to scold them……threaten them…
My baby brother who stopped coming to us then….
Even at eight he realized that scoldings and threats were bad no matter who said them…or why…
Sometimes his classmates would come running….
All out of breath and looking for ‘bhaiyya’ and ‘didi’…because again he had been pushed…or sometimes when he had fallen on his own…he had fractured a leg…or an arm…or a wrist…..
Very fragile he is…this brother of mine…
I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t so…or maybe we cosseted him too much…made him too fragile…..
With four adults breathing down his neck…life must have been irritating and tiresome for him at times….
This brother who is a pest at times, a puzzle at others…

These doctors…..fools all of them….What do they know..?
They give you all these terms you know…..that you can’t make sense of….Technical terms…strange terms….terms that scare you..… When you know in your heart even as you stand there that there’s a furious struggle for life…. …

But sometimes it just seemed that all those little beeps of the machine were just mocking us ….Giving us false hope….
When you wanted to rage so much at all those incompetent men in white……..
But we just stood in terror…..sheer bone chilling,mind numbing terror…
The doctors spout all nonsense….about how brain haemorrhages are not supposed to happen at this age……must have been a cause….was he overstressed?unhappy?too tired?That there are a lot of risks in surgery….how the clot is so near the sensitive areas…how he may not make it out of the OT……how even if he did… he could be paralysed for life…

At times like these your mind goes blank….And you think insane thoughts……,’’Why doesn’t someone come and shut him up?’’, his coat is really white.’’……’’He is not even fit to be a doctor..look at that stupid face’’’…

All nonsense that’s going inside your head…..when all you want to do is scream …and grab him by that scrawny neck and ask him if he’s ever lost someone?
Has he? Then how dare he stand there and look us in the eye? How dare he tell us of the ‘risks’?? How dare he?

Standing outside the I.C.U wondering if he’s all right. Did they give him a blanket? Did he eat? Silly,silly questions all of them…….because suddenly you realize that he cannot ask for these…

He,my baby brother who is just lying there lost to the world around him…just his chest rising and falling…
The rise and fall……that is what assures you and all the time that you stand outside the door ,you keep your eyes on his chest….standing in sheer terror of what could happen…
Till the nurses shoo everyone out… Visiting hours are over…

So we stand outside …….just stand…watching dusk fall….…just looking at that bright neon sign that says ICU……
The ambulances keep coming in ….sometimes with accident victims…with others…
They all come rushing in…all sirens blazing…..
I don’t remember much of it…
Its all a blur..

But I remember this one time…….when a body was taken out of ICU….
Grieving relatives….
All stunned……some mourning quietly still in shock…some shouting in anger….unable to comprehend what had happened….
I hated them then….at that moment….
From the bottom of my heart…
I wanted to shout at them…..
I wanted to say ….take your mourning elsewhere….
Don’t mourn here….
This place is for life…not for death….
This is the ICU…see…..they give you care here…
They don’t take lives…

Intensive Care Unit…..you repeat over and over in your head…convinced that this somehow……this.’.intensive care’… will make everything all right..…Isn’t that why they have that name? ICU..??
They have the most competent staff there..the best in the world…This is how we convince each other….This is all we have to hope….
No one wants to go home…no one says a word…till you realize that ma and dad are barely able to stand on their feet…exhaustion written on their faces….an elder brother who is trying so hard to be strong..for everyone….so you say let’s go home……they all nod silently..…and silently we get in the car………not a word spoken………..

Many days spent simply going home late at night…eating sandwiches….…sometimes not at all…….catching whatever little sleep came in those few hours..…if it came at all…
No one had an appetite….. just four strangers living in a house……going about their routines silently……and a little four legged creature too……

the one who missed her companion the most..…the one who whimpered and asked questions……scratched at closed doors…….. went and sat on his bed…
This little creature……. the one who was his birthday gift.,.the one he’s grown up with……
The one who couldn’t understand why her favourite companion wouldn’t come and play with her…….
The one who went to each room ….… who could’t understand why her family was sitting so far apart in different rooms…why were they all crying silently…each quietly in a room of his and her own……..

How does a mother feel when she sees her baby lying in the ICU unconscious…….
What goes through a father as he watches his son, the one who is even taller than him lying silently on a hospital bed?
How does a brother feel when he realises that his baby brother may not have those boxing fights…….those irritating conversations with him any more?

It took time…..a long time…a lifetime for all of us….…we lost many years …we aged….so much…..
And then finally one day exactly after two weeks in the ICU and a month in the DIL ward….…we brought him home….
Better than when he had been taken there……more stable…
But he couldn’t move still…….his body yes…….…his entire left side? No……
The left arm was paralysed , the leg was paralysed……….
For the smallest of things he needed someone to pick him up push the pillows behind his head……

Ma and dad constantly with him…..I and A running errands…….paying bills…….getting everyone to eat…….

and we read ….so much…everything on the subject….googled…went to the library…bookstore
to understand what it was..
what a brain haemorrhage meant..
we turned into experts …
we could recite facts like an encyclopaedia.
on food…
on the right nutrition for a patient of ‘this’ to take..

I didn’t recognize my brother in those first few months…….he would get irritated at the slightest thing……..he would smile a lot but only when someone was around….he only wanted his four legged companion at times……not even ma then…

Ma would look hurt……her baby didn’t want her……

Each moment we had to remind ourselves …the doctors had said this would happen….mood swings………irritation……
That gave us hope and consolation..
This was okay ..these mood swings were supposed to happen..….the doctors said so…..
Over time………over months……he seemed better…….

But he still couldn’t move his left side….

And then one day just a thumb…..one thumb……..it moved….he looked at ma in amazement……and ma called dad……
we all came running…….we all wanted to bawl….
We gave huge,stupid grins that day……with blurry eyes……

the doctors wanted him to start physiotherapy…

A physiotherapist would come everyday……..
Each day a little more progress……..a step further……..
I wish I could say it only took a moment…….…a day..….a week…. ….a few weeks at the most…
But it took months…..
Months that stretched on and on……
Step by step he went further……..
Each headache of his stopped our breaths…we didn’t know what to do…
He had so many those first few months……..so many headaches………
Ear splitting headaches he called them…..….when he couldn’t keep anything down……after eating minutes before…..

But he did walk…….
Awkwardly at first….then more confidently…as time passed……

The clot disappeared on its own……a miracle the doctors called it…..
I don’t…………
We pulled him through……….
We fought for him…….the four of us…..we wouldn’t let anybody take him from us..
Nobody would have dared……..
We would have ripped them apart…..

Doctors still don’t know why it happened………or how he recovered so fast…..
They say he’s young so his body recovers faster…….
He is a fighter……..my brother…….. A ferocious one…..…
A case study his case is now..
of why it happened…and how…
and how he recovered…
no causes for any of these…

He goes out with his friends now…for rafting..trekking…….he wants to live many lifetimes in this one…….
He doesn’t breathe…….he takes life in huge gulps…….
The first time that he went out after he recovered……..ma was numb with sheer terror..

It took a lot to convince her……
Even now she worries….so much…..but now she’s learnt to cope…….
Its no good telling her this wont happen again…..
She still worries……

My baby brother who is healthy now……raring to go……..
The one who says glasses are just a sideeffect..
they make him look cool..
like an intellectual…:)
The one who is trying to take a peek even as I write this…:)
Grinning madly …convinced I am hiding a secret……..determined to search for it……
Back in his role….comfortable as a pesky brother…
The one whose sole aim is to trouble his sister…:)

We baby him a lot now……
We probably pamper him too much……
We do scold ….but only for sometime……
After a few hours of being angry….we smile back at him……
Because we have lived this……
we know what it feels like to stand at the edge……

This brother of mine who has been reborn……
Who has received a second life…..
We ,who have been reborn too……

We have come closer as a family…..
Smiles are always around to be shared…
little joys are shared with abandon……
anger doesn’t stay long in my home…..
we hug more……
we talk more…..
we look more too..
at each other all the time……

This is why I share all the bitter sweet memories…..when I sit to write…memories……..so many of them……….so many…….…they all overwhelm me……..they crowd around …making it difficult to breathe…….
Some happy ones…………some that still have the power to terrorize ….the ones that cannot even be called nightmares because nightmares are not real….But this was…because ..I lived them…….my brother did…….my parents did…….

Only the little kid of the family slept ……unaware of all that went around him…unaware of a mother who couldn’t stop praying…..because she was living her own nightmare having lost a brother of 21….an atheist father who started believing in an Almighty…
A brother who came straight to the hospital having put his job on the line, merely informing his CO….’’these are my leave papers…you decide…………either way I am going..’’

This you see, is why I share…no inhibitions… ……..just what I feel……
The day he came back home was the day I decided to throw caution to the winds and live life to the fullest………
To share how I now see things from a completely different perspective……in a new light……
Clichés maybe…..all of these….but for me these are memories…memories that might seem cliches to you……

You know what I have learnt? What my family has?:)
Yes, besides going to your loved ones and giving them a huge hug!:)
Oh!Yes! Smiling are you? Cliché and all? :)But that is very important too!
In fact give them hugs every day……..a touch says so much you see……..a touch heals hurts you never knew you had……and more importantly…… even the ones you never knew you had given…..

But also….don’t remember fights….and most of all never leave the house or let a loved one leave without saying ‘I love you’ with a smile…one that comes from the heart..……
Bother,sister,parent,mother,father,wife,husband,child….whatever it is that you are in your life to someone.. ……you have to do this……
Always…..Everyday…….
Because you never know……..

It’s been hard to relive this,harder yet to write…but this is my catharsis..
in every sense of the word…

We have counted the days,each minute…each second…..
Each minute has been a lifetime…….Each day a triumph…
This January 21st…..
It’s been one year,five months and twenty three days…
Happy Twenty Second Birthday little brother!

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59 Comments leave one →
  1. Sagarone permalink
    January 22, 2009 11:37 am

    The words come straight from the heart. And yes, live every moment as if there may not be a tomorrow. Just beautiful……. I am running out of words here.

  2. Smitha permalink
    January 22, 2009 11:48 am

    Indyeah, I am at a loss for words…Your story brought tears to my eyes and an urge to hug my baby close and never let go…Beautiful, heart wrenching and yet so victorious! Give your brother another hug and birthday wishes too from me. life can change in a minute…

  3. Ajit permalink
    January 22, 2009 12:20 pm

    hey Indyeah,
    I am at a loss for words….
    seriously…..
    if there is ever a writer who can move mountains… it is you….
    happy BD to your little bro…
    have nothing else to say…
    that was some post….

  4. Usha Pisharody permalink
    January 22, 2009 3:11 pm

    I second all of those who have written in before me! If I were to tell you, I couldn’t. Choked up would be the word. You have shared a slice of yourself, so unconditionally and so … 🙂

    God Bless this wonderful family always… and special wishes to the baby brother, belated though it is!

    Trite and cliched as it sounds. I know. And I shall leave it at that.

    This is going to stay with me for a long long time. Perhaps you’d like to watch this… just sort of information a video really of a neurosurgeon who had a stroke, and felt each moment, and could articulate. She shares this with different audiences to say just what you have… live, love, and smile and share 🙂

    http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU

    Moved beyond any more words.

  5. Vinod_Sharma permalink
    January 22, 2009 4:05 pm

    Abhilasha, your words flow from your heart. That is why the power that touches those who are touched by them…

    When I told you earlier that you will write a novel in the canvas of The Thorn Birds, it was instinctive…after reading this, I know for sure that you can invoke emotions like not many can. Colleen Mccullough will be happy to read you…there is a lot of Meggy in you. I read the novel many years back. I don’t know how the connect has been made in my head. Read it and tell me!

  6. hitch writer permalink
    January 22, 2009 6:48 pm

    Happy birthday to you ….

    It really is horrific when something like this happens.

    Its not the least bit cliched… its what is in the heart !!!

    My younger brother, a part of twins met an accident when he was 16 and he had to be put in Surgical ICU for 3 days. He had a clot in the brain and Mom had to sit beside him and wake him up every 45 minutes so that he wouldn’t slip into a coma. Again make him sleep after 15 minutes as he was not to be given stress !!!!

    Those 3 days were the most difficult days of our life the whole family was torn apart and it was at that time when we understood the importance of relatives and friends who stood with us giving us support.

    Thanks to a wonderful doctor who stood the ground and took the tough decision that he would not get his brain operated, we avoided surgery in his brain and he recovered… the pills doing the trick and the clot went away.

    Today he is married and 27 and well we have almost forgotten anything like that happened !!

  7. hitch writer permalink
    January 22, 2009 6:50 pm

    Sorry Happy birthday to your brother not you !!

    And hey your article was heart warming… i forgot to tell yout that…

    Off late I and my younger bro have been arguing a lot and fighting a bit but suddenly after reading your article now i feel I need to baby him a little bit !!!!

    Thanks a lot !

  8. Indyeah permalink
    January 22, 2009 7:52 pm

    Sagarone:-yes…as I started writing ..memories came rushing in……thank you ….
    beautifully said by you.. ”live every moment as if there may not be a tomorrow”….yes,that’s what each of us should never forget…that there may not be a tomorrow…

    Smitha:- it touched you…and that says a lot…sometimes we forget how much someone means to us..in our life…the ‘taken for granted ‘ is what we all suffer from….
    one has to live like one’s loved ones are the most precious gift in the world..:)
    will wish him and hug him too….we hug him a lot now….:)he pretends how all this affection and hugging is so uncool..:)and yet he gives in everytime…

    Ajit:-Thank you… 🙂 I will wish him….:)
    I do understand what it is you are trying to say…
    thank you for that…
    for the understanding …and the empathy……:)

  9. Indyeah permalink
    January 22, 2009 7:55 pm

    Usha Pisharody:-Thank you……trust you to give me little smilies…:)
    I love them….:)
    Thank you for the prayers….and the wishes…
    wishes are never belated…just wishes..:)

    I don’t plan to read this post any more…its too tough right now…have read it twice since writing and both times its choked me…maybe because its all so fresh.in my mind……

    No,It does not sound trite nor does it sound cliched…..
    ”I know. And I shall leave it at that.”This says so much to me …above all else…all on its own…and thats enough….I see a story,courage,pain ,understanding and empathy
    been trying to get the video to work…lets see:)I think I caught this on Oprah…
    we think alike…:)
    ”live, love, and smile and share :)”
    so true….
    god bless you too…..for the smilies..for all that you said….and that which you didnt…
    warm hugs..:)

    Vinod Sir:-You are always so understanding and kind….
    with the words and with the encouragement….
    Thank you for all that you said ….:)
    Yes,I too read ‘Thornbirds’ a long time back…in school when I probably couldn’t even fathom the depth to it…
    After you mentioned it the first time…I have been reading it in little installments whenever I get time…..:)
    I hope that this time I ‘ll discover a different novel than before….
    Or maybe it is we who interpret it differently at different stages of our life…
    I just want to thank you for all your words…..everytime….evry post…thank you..:)

    hitch writer:-.Thanks for the wishes…I did understand..JI will convey them…..
    It must have been such a tough time for your family….
    And for your mother…..it must have been horrifying…
    No one I think, understands what a mother goes through when her child undergoes something like this…
    I too, can only guess…
    I can completely understand what you are saying….what your family must have gone through…… the realization that you write about…
    it makes us see relationships in a new light doesn’t it?
    We too were fortunate to have this one doctor who refused to do surgery….
    He stood firm and he was proved right…
    The clot dissolved on its onw over time….and with medicines…..
    So,I soo completely understand where you are coming from….
    I am really happy to hear that part…the hes 27 and married and we forgot it even happened…..:)
    We will forget too I think….with time…..
    The lessons …we’ll try to keep with us…..:)
    God bless your family…and your little brother…
    Because younger siblings always remain little to us…
    Even if they are 70…..:)
    We are more like their second parents….:)
    Thank you so much for letting me know that what I wrote warmed your heart…
    Yes,baby him
    A lot…..:)
    Thank YOU for sharing all that you did….:)
    Thank you…:)

  10. Chirag permalink
    January 22, 2009 8:17 pm

    Hey Indyeah, Happy Birth Day, Eyes are Moist and A Silent Prayer in heart.

  11. Indian Home Maker permalink
    January 22, 2009 8:52 pm

    Indyeah you had me spell bound till I reached the end, even after you wrote he has started rafting and trekking …
    I started wondering if I had been angry with my kids before they left for school … if just reading about it made us think so much I can imagine what it did to your family! It’s a horrible thought and I can’t imagine what your mom must have gone through. And you all alone at home not sure what’s happening, not wanting to go to the hospital …
    She is fortunate to have such a supportive family and such a wonderful, sensitive daughter…

    I am so glad and so relieved your brother is back to being a pesky brother again 🙂

    I saw an ICU when my dad was admitted in one …, I know it is hellish to know you cannot even be there with them through out …

    It’s so amazing how it brought you all together, and I read many times about him trying to see what you are typing …

    I am all for living life to the fullest. LOVED this post.
    You took us from tears to silly grins. Hugs and birthday wishes to your brother and best wishes to you all, IHM

  12. Usha Pisharody permalink
    January 23, 2009 2:24 am

    Just wanted to add to Vinod_Sharma’s note 🙂

    Underscore all of what he has to say about your writing, and you 🙂 Meggy all the way. The Thorn Birds has to be an all time favourite, one that is part of me, too! So it’s no surprise, somehow that I met Meggy all over again, here 🙂 🙂

  13. Ana Cristina permalink
    January 23, 2009 3:40 am

    I believe in second chances. I almost lost my mother — twice. I guess you can say I believe in third chances, too!

    I am happy that your brother is OK and sorry that you all had to go through such a difficult time. Times like those make us realize the impermanence of life, and how we should recognize how blessed we are to be here in this moment.

  14. Indyeah permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:24 am

    Chirag:-Thanks for the wishes…..It touched you and that says so much….Thanks for the prayers too…

    Indian Home Maker:-Thank you so much for all of this…:)
    I needed to write it ,I think….It was only after having written this that I realized how much I needed to let it out…

    Oh!we really forget the little hugs don’t we?I know we used to…Now we don’t …..and thats the way it should be…
    It has touched a chord with you and that makes me glad to have written it…yes,:)such things bring family so close together..
    mine is now all stuck like a glue…:D
    Reading the post again has been hard,so I just jump to the comments…
    The ICU is a very scary place isnt it?Because even though one knows that the people in there are doing their best,one still resents them for not letting us meet a loved one..
    my brother…:)
    yes,he’s a pest that way…..and I love his brattiness now..:)
    he does try to peek over my shoulder al the time…:D ,a total pest and I love him..

    Living life to the fullest….yes….everyday every minute …:)
    thank you so, so much for all the wishes and the hugs…
    will go and give him one now…and he’ll get irritated…:)
    uncool is what he thinks if we do it infront of his friends….:D

    PS:-all of us went to see Slumdog Millionaire today’,family time,and fun and food…:)

  15. Indyeah permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:29 am

    Usha Pisharody:-Aww…thank you so much….:)…am floating up there…:)
    Meggy?:)that is so beautiful and amazing of you to say that..!
    Thanks again for so much its overwhelming…
    I’ll tell you someday soon whom you remind me of…:)a faint trace, a slight glimpse…:)
    maybe a whole post ?:D
    all gooey and mushy…:)
    Leos can do it too..:)

    hugs!

    Ana Cristina:-Thank you so much for the wishes…My best wishes to your mom and give her a hug too…..:)
    from me..:)
    yes,the impermanence of life …

    beautifully said Ana…living in this moment here and now…all of us should do that…
    Love and take care..:)

  16. January 23, 2009 6:57 am

    As Usha Pisharody said that you have shared a part of your life in this post.
    Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. Happy Birthday to your tough little bro.

  17. Solilo.. permalink
    January 23, 2009 9:41 am

    You know, Abhi. the other read when I read it, I didn’t want to comment because I didn’t have the strength to write anything at that time. I was choked and still as I write this, tears are rolling down my eyes.

    “I and A who used to get so furious and went stalking off to scold them……threaten them”

    I used to do the exact same thing for my brother too which embarrasses him now if I mention it. 🙂

    The best thing I like about your writing is that it comes straight from the heart. I connect to your thoughts. While I have no problem in anyone using their blog as a discussion forum, I still prefer reading posts like this. It’s like unleashing emotions and making a conversation with the reader.

    {{{hugs}}}

  18. Solilo permalink
    January 23, 2009 9:44 am

    *day

    and happy birthday to your little brother.

  19. Indyana permalink
    January 23, 2009 4:58 pm

    Oh my dear Indyeah! I saw the post yesterday but could not write anything! This is so hard to go through ,an unbelievable unbearable pain! God bless!

  20. hitch writer permalink
    January 23, 2009 7:04 pm

    You some how touch a chord somewhere inside.

    I guess because you write totally from the heart !!

    Yesterday after a long time, me and my brother again played a video game together, fought argued and laughed a lot…

    Finally I beat my baby brother…

    YAY YAY !

  21. Indyeah permalink
    January 23, 2009 10:04 pm

    N:- Sharing this part has been very cathartic for me.
    So true ”Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.”Yes,we only discover how tough we are,when we are challenged…..
    I will convey your wishes ….thanks:)

    Solilo:-Thank you for all that you said…..your words are conveying a lot thats been written and a lot thats not…
    You felt the emotions…..coz you are an elder sis too…..our baby brothers are literally our babies after being ma and dad’s….:)
    needed those hugs….hugs to you …..:)
    Thank you for letting me know that this touches you…….and thank you for everything…..:)

    Indyana:-Yes, a very hard post this one was..I cant bring myself to read it again…not now …..and yet I would say that this penning down is really important….one lets out emotions one didnt even know one had…for evreything that chokes us inside ,doesnt let us breathe…..this writing down is a blessing…whether its in a personal diary, a blog or any other….
    Thanks for the wishes too:)

    Hitchwriter:-Thank you,thank you and thank you…..
    you had a great time with your brother and that says so much on its own…..(even if you did beat him:D)..just keep seeing ‘seemingly ordinary’ relationships in a new light…:)..

  22. That Subtle Something... permalink
    January 24, 2009 6:59 am

    Extremely glad that, you got back your brother!…that too completely recovered! My Birthday wishes to him. Best of all your posts!

  23. Indyeah permalink
    January 24, 2009 8:16 am

    That Subtle Something:-Thank you so much!Yes,its been a rollercoaster ride of emotions….:)thanks again…

  24. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  25. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  26. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  27. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  28. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  29. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  30. Gopinath's "Artickles" permalink
    January 24, 2009 1:59 pm

    Your narration touched me. I just hoped it was fiction. wish your bro for many more birthdays to come and for millions of smiles in life. Do contemplate writing a book! Wish you all the best!

  31. Dewdrop permalink
    January 24, 2009 11:32 pm

    I just had tears streaming as I read your post… It is one of the most heart-wrenching and touching stories… at every para, I just wished your bro back and am so so glad he’s fine and raring to go and live to the fullest… Wish you and your family a lifetime of togetherness and lotsa wishes to ur lil bro!

  32. Indyeah permalink
    January 25, 2009 3:17 am

    Gopinath’s ”Artickles”’:- It touched you…and like I told other friends too..this on its own says so much to me..
    Thank you so much for the wishes…..and the blessings….

    Dewdrops:-Thank you so,so much for the wishes for my family and for my brother…Thank you so,so much….for understanding…
    He’s all fit and fine and back to being a pest again..:)…the nightmare’s over now…
    thanks again..:)Truly…

  33. Swaram permalink
    June 8, 2009 1:26 pm

    This one sent a chill up my spine; i may shed tears any moment now. happy that its all well now. Hugs 🙂
    me- thanks Swaram
    things are back to normal now .. 🙂
    ((((((((hugs))))
    I am touched that you are reading old posts..

  34. June 9, 2009 12:17 pm

    So sweet of u to reply to each of my comments even on the older posts Abhi; very few of them do that in the blog-world, though its all abt interaction and friendship. Thank u so much 🙂
    me- thanks Swaram 🙂
    I love interacting with all my friends here 🙂
    thank YOU for going through older posts 🙂
    ((hugs))

  35. June 10, 2009 1:37 am

    Abhi, This post I revisited after a long time and still evokes the same emotion and chokes me.

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

    Touchwood to a beautiful family.
    me- (((hugs))))

    I havent read it since then…one day I will sit and read this when I am feeling more brave..
    love you and you know why:)
    (((hugs)))

  36. March 6, 2010 9:05 am

    I had tears in my eyes by the time I finished reading it, AP …

    Been there, done that… so I know what its exactly like. You have captured the moments marvellously….
    (((hugs)))
    just have nothing more to say … 😐 really really touching… straight from ur heart…
    me- ((((hugs))))Ash
    lots of love

    • March 8, 2010 9:55 pm

      Oh yes on second thought I DO have something more to say! 🙂

      Happy wonderful bday to ur bro… and God bless this beautiful family! 🙂 🙂

  37. March 6, 2010 9:10 am

    Live in now..kya pata kal ho na ho 🙂 HUGS sweetheart !
    me- ((hugs)))Nu

  38. March 6, 2010 11:20 am

    I had never read this before!!! Am at loss of words!!! It must been a personal hell for al you guys na? But what matters the most is that you have all come out stronger!!!

    Dunno what more to say!!! *hugs*
    me- Last year I had made this post alongwith some others a password protected one Smita. It was tough to read or respond to comments sometime back. Didnt realize that it will appear as a new one when I made it public again.
    Yes, it was hell. But we came out of it and everyday we say a prayer to someone up there.
    ((hugs))back to you too and much love.

  39. March 6, 2010 11:48 am

    Oh my God!!! Am in tears right now, for my younger brother who did not make it … for me who survived two near death experiences …. for my parents who never recovered! But I agree – it changes one’s perspective. One feels like living life wholeheartedly – it is the only thing that is important. The rest is peripherals. Wonderful post
    me- I dont know what to say…
    lots of love Ritu and warm ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
    May god bless you and your loved ones always.

  40. March 6, 2010 11:51 am

    your words have power to bring tears to ones eyes, it gripped me every word you have said here..god bless you and your family >:D< i just had to give this. Happy birthday to your brother.
    me- Thank you for the wishes Ani.
    (hugs) for you as well:)
    His bday was in Jan…Made the post public again na..thats why it has appeared as a new one I assume.
    will pass on your wishes..he is a pest these days 😀

  41. March 6, 2010 12:09 pm

    You made me cry – a lot…..

    Love and hugs to you, and wishes for your brother…

    Have nothing more to say.. You just choked me with all those emotions… Let me call up my sis and give her a tight hug as soon as possible…
    me- Thank yu for all the wishes Puja.
    Yes, do call your sis.:)
    (((((((hugs)))))))))))

  42. March 6, 2010 12:09 pm

    After reading the post… I was just numb… I did not know what I was feeling. And,coincidence or not, I was just speaking to my baby brother miles away in Boston, just before I started reading this post… it kind of freaked me out. He is going on a trip, and I was just saying bye and to be safe.

    I can not fathom what the feeling would have been.. but my ICU experience has been quite a few and the dull silence and yet buzzing doctors and nurses are something which I hate. Standing amidst all strangers, but with your heart right in your hand.. its a horrible feeling.

    Bless your brother.. for a family who loves and nurtures him, for the chance that he got to live and experience life… and a happy birthday to him too.
    me- The feeling is terrifying..or maybe terrifying is too small a word I think…
    Yes, the ICU is a place where no matter how much you try to run you come face to face with all your fears.
    Thank you so much for the wishes Aathira. warm ((hugs)))

  43. March 6, 2010 12:22 pm

    Cant see the screen properly with the tears blocking my view. (Wiping off tears) OMG !!! I am very glad that your brother fought back with the support of the whole family and came out of this safely !!!

    A very happy bday to your BROTHER !!! Either he is lucky to have parents and siblings like these or all of you are more lucky to have a brother for whom, you all fought and prayed.

    I am happy again to know that your brother came out of it !!!!

    I lost my dad’s brother and my mom’s brother because of brain haemorrhage !!!!
    me- Thank you for the wishes for him Uma. All of us are lucky to have each other.
    Sad to hear about both your uncles.It must have been so tough for their families
    wishing you lots of happiness((((((hugs))))))))

  44. March 6, 2010 7:02 pm

    I was scared to read it further after a point but good that i finished it.. Am SO GLAD your brother came back home and recovered completely.. Wish him a happy n healthy life n loads of pestering his di n bhaiya.. I could see that you are very close to your brothers, from ur posts n comments that i have read..god bless..

    I do have multiple memories of sitting outside ICU, praying and observing ppl expressing all kind of emotions.. My dads surgery around a year back was one of the toughest time.. we all were not even together, the whole family.. only I was with my parents and needed to constantly assure di n bro that everything is fine.. You feel so vulnerable and helpless.. everything seems so unfair but these situations give you courage and you forget everything when you see things getting back to normal..

    i hate that life is so uncertain..
    me- Yes, we are quite close ..all siblings share a very special bond na? The way you do with your bro and sis.

    Family unable to be together during a crisis is so heartbreaking. Its tough on everyone. I can so understand.
    These situations make you realize what all one is capable of doing. Life tests us constantly doesnt it?
    (((hugs))))
    How is Uncle doing now?

    • March 9, 2010 7:16 am

      Papa is much better… thanks for asking 🙂 Still recovering to be able to walk normally but goes to office, drives n uses a walking support.
      me- That is just so good to hear Tara (((hugs)))

  45. Sahana permalink
    March 7, 2010 1:04 am

    Indy,
    This was the most touching post of all your other posts… this made me feel closer to you when I read it last year, and now feeling even more closer……I Have undergone, major surgeries and emotionally challenging situations……. sorry, for not writing to you for a long time… health isn’t good…will be writing to you, after I recover…(((((((((Hugs)))))))))
    me- (((((((hugs))))))back..
    Hope you are doing better now..do take care of your health..hows the little one?
    arre! dont be sorry! write as and when you feel like it.
    much love

  46. March 7, 2010 9:39 am

    i read this post yesterday and cried a lot… to a point that the screen was a blur in front of me and i didnt know what to do

    i didnt have the courage to type anything here indy.. so i left

    but this morning i had to come back and say thanks for writing this and give big tight huge hugs

    so glad all is well
    me- Arre Mon..((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
    Thank you..you are a sweetheart:)

  47. March 7, 2010 11:02 am

    Such a touching post, Abhi. I think this explains a lot of the ‘heart’ in your writing.

    Many birthday wishes to your brother!
    me- Thanks a lot for the wishes Manju.
    ((((((((hugs))))))))))

  48. March 7, 2010 3:05 pm

    I started reading this yesterday and couldn’t continue further, I was crying so much, Indyeah…Only now I pulled myself to read further.

    Yes, your family’s love has pulled him back. What you said is right, we must try our best to express our love, as much as possible. Keeping it inside is not good.

    God bless you and your family. Our special wishes to your brother, too.
    me- (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))Sandhya
    Thank you so much for the wishes.

    Yes, I think we all should make an effort(even introverts because its toughest for them) to express our love for the ones we love……what else is there in life but this? Sometimes all a loved one is craving for is a touch, a gentle whisper. a word spoken with love…why are we such misers with our words and our love then?

    • March 7, 2010 6:43 pm

      Now, I know why your ‘hugs’ within so many brackets look so original, Indyeah! I realised about this ‘touch’ method, a bit late in my life.

      My whole hearted ((((huggggs)))) to you, Indyeah! Thank you! Take care.
      me- ((((((hugs)))) and much love Sandhya:)

  49. March 7, 2010 4:52 pm

    i have typed and re-typed Indy, but nothing is expressing the emotions u have stirred within me thru this post.

    that bit about how ur lil bro doesn’t breathe, he gulps life’s moments … i feel like doing that myself.

    he’s a fighter, ur bro.. and so are each one of your family members, and you.

    it is such a heartwarming experience, reading the journey from the devastating day till today, and all of you passed each day…

    hope is an unbelievable miracle… its audacious beyond reason. am so glad u guys had hope.

    cheers to your bro, may he enjoy life to the fullest, always. and tight hugs to your parents.

    and u sis, am just so jealous that i ain;t a blood relation…. what i wud have given to have an older sis like you!!!!!!!!! but i will make do with the virtual sisterhood!!! as long as i’ve found you!!!! (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

    and i totally am with you on the hugs and expression of feelings to all who u love!!!
    reminds me of this song –

    god bless you and ur family Indy!! love you!
    me- you do know you are special right? in your own unique way:) like I always say you are sunshine girl! 🙂
    That song gives me goosebumps…Love the lyrics…
    (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))and lots of love KRS:)

  50. March 7, 2010 5:40 pm

    I remember this one!

    Happy Belated Birthday to the littles of the lot 🙂

    Still had my heart in my mouth, reading it; because I know how it is! And you describe it in such a heartfelt manner!

    Indy, my bestest of wishes to him, and his family, esp his didi 🙂
    me- (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))Ushus…I remember all your love and empathy when I first wrote this…
    lot of love for one of my most special friends here…

  51. Mystery permalink
    March 9, 2010 2:13 pm

    Indyeah,
    Dont know how but this post of yours popped up in my reader now..
    straight from the heart and very touching post Indyeah..
    Loved reading it.. apart from understanding the pain u and your family went through, it reminds me of the fact that life is too short and should not be wasted with fights with the loved ones…
    me-I made the post public a few days back thats why it appears as a new one…
    thanks a lot Mystery….you are so right…life is too short to be wasted on trivial things…

  52. bindu permalink
    March 11, 2010 9:04 pm

    no words just wishes for your bro..happy birthday to him…cheers
    me-thanks a lot Bindu:)

  53. March 17, 2010 6:24 pm

    I missed this post…Indyeah..and found it now. I was reading it with so much pent up tension..and only when I read the last few paras, did I breathe…lovely post…so intense!
    me-(((((((((hugs)))))))))Sindhu

  54. March 19, 2010 11:09 pm

    Let me say once again !!!!! wonderful post and belated happy birthday to the lil bro !!!!!! 🙂 🙂

    My comment above tells exactly how much I loved this post… this was just about the time i started reading you !!!!! err… I mean your blog !!!!!! :mrgreen:
    me- Thanks Dhiren. I remember a year back around this time I was just getting to know you:) (and now I realize the devil that you are 😛 )

  55. March 20, 2010 1:39 am

    For a moment I thought u have lost your brother!! Thank god he is well now. ((hugs)) Being very close with my sister, I can relate so much with your post.
    And you know this ” never leave the house or let a loved one leave without saying ‘I love you’ with a smile…one that comes from the heart” is something my sister has always taught me!!
    me- (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))Reema..I can understand what you are saying…
    I remember your words for your sister that you had written on Poonam’s post for her sister…..both you and Poonam are fortunate to be blessed with such wonderful sisters:)
    .your sis sounds like a smart and adorable human being:)

  56. June 10, 2016 11:28 pm

    gulp

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