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  बोल कि लब आजाद हैं तेरे.

November 5, 2014

This is a long blog post. Too long even going  by my  track record.
But this needed to be said.

For sorting out my own thoughts on the matter. Jumbled as they are and yet inter connected.
Because freedom of expression is one of the most beautiful  gifts this democracy has given us.

For non blog friends. I write under the pseudonym Indyeah.

At the outset I should mention that I am an Indian. A reasonably decent human being as those who know me will attest. A woman. A fierce nationalist. Minus the jingoism.The daughter of an army officer. The sister of an army officer. And the wife of an army officer.
All of them have served in the valley.

In the most sensitive of areas. The kind of places that flare up in a heartbeat. At the sight of a uniform. A loved one is about to serve there . One is still serving there. I am the cousin and niece of many others in uniform.

I am all of the above.In that order. And maybe someday the mother of one too. I wish I too could have donned the uniform. And god knows I tried. But it was not to be. Because perhaps then with that final medal on my shoulder I would be deemed fit to comment on this. On what I am about to write.

Why have I mentioned all of the above? Simply because before I write what I am about to write, a mental image of who, what or how you perceive me to be should form in your mind. Because you will anyway won’t you?
I don’t stay on one side of the fence.
I can argue for freedom of expression having reasonable restrictions. And then a few years later question the hypocrisy that our pseudo liberals show when it comes to getting offended whenever members of a particular religion do something and the subsequent branding of  an entire religion as fundamentalist and promptly banning the offending item altogether. Of having double standards when it comes to other religions. Because ‘they’ are the poor victims caught in the crossfire.

A long time back, about 5-6 years ago I wrote on something that was close to my heart. Freedom

It started an intense debate in the blog circle.
It led to rebuttals and more .
I wrote again ”Freedom continued.”

A friend had a viewpoint that I respected then  as I do now. Freedom of expression and the right not to be offended.
Today, I stand with that friend too. His words resonate with me,

I have no illusions about India ever turning into a civilised, tolerant nation. I would, however, value freedom of expression because it is one of the few things that will slow – not stop, just slow – our inevitable transformation into a banana republic. We’re almost there, anyway. While it is my fond hope that it doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I’m not holding my breath.

And last but not the least, here Qatar Calling is what I wrote on M. F Hussain’s decision to move to Qatar and my views on his freedom of expression.

What is the point of writing all this? Re-visiting old arguments?

Because I saw a film in recent times. Haider.

I went into the hall with all kinds of reviews jostling in my mind for space. The ‘‘oh!its brilliant!” and ‘‘yeah, could have been better.” to ‘‘Disgusting piece of anti -national filth.”

I sat and watched the entire movie without moving an inch. It was gripping. Save for the romantic interludes between Shahid’s and Shraddha’s character which just seemed as if they had been put in for the regular bollywood hero -heroine love staple. Some parts were stretched beyond what was required. But it was a well made, well crafted movie.
It wasn’t brilliant.
It wasn’t out of this world.
But it was damn good.

The movie was the beginning of a heated discussion in my Delhi circle of family and friends.
I never got the impression that the army was being depicted as some kind of evil entity as many say it has been . The army did what it did in those troubled times in the way it best knew how. It did what this country required of it and asked of it. Atleast that is how I saw it.

I, for one loved that dialogue from the army officer about giving it back to those militants when one of his men is injured.

Yes, one could argue that the separatists, the militants have been shown in a soft, almost benevolent light. That the doctor’s answer ” Zindagi” when he is questioned by his wife about whose side he is on as he is about to operate on a militant is sneaky on the part of the director. The director is treading a fine line.
In the second half of the movie the army narrative disappears. Now the focus is just Haider and all those connected to him. It is a human story. One should view it like that.

But to say that a film like this shouldn’t be made? That it is anti national? Anti army? Pro -kashmiri muslim? And we call ourselves a democracy?  A fully functioning vibrant one?

Just a question. Why has this movie not been released in Pakistan? After all, all the charges of the movie being anti nationalist , anti- Indian fare should whet the appetite of the Pakistanis. No? Because the movie shows snippets of reality.

Just because it does not show the precursor to 1995 does not mean that what it is showing is a lie. It is a half truth. A convenient one that Vishal Bharadwaj has chosen. It would have been nice to have had a context in which to place 1995 and the violence that followed had the director also chosen to show another side of the story. Rahul Pandita’s and of other kashmiri pandits.
But Vishal Bharadwaj did not. Instead he chose to tell Basharat Peer’s story.
But should that be the director’s burden to carry?

In our country, artists can choose to paint, depict, write about the majority religion in the way they deem fit. That they dare not do so when it comes to minorities should tell you something.

Our outrage should not be about why this movie was made. About how dare he the director show the army in a poor light.

Our voices should support the director’s freedom of expression.

Do you know why? Because tomorrow when someone wants to give a voice to the kashmiri pandits, to the inhuman behaviour our forces are subjected to in that very same valley by the very same ‘innocent ‘ haiders ,then I don’t want outraged people standing in the way of my or anyone else’s creativity.

And if you outrage against a Haider , against an individual’s right to freedom of expression, then you lose all right to show/create/paint/ make what you deem fit .
Because there will always be those who are offended, those who don’t see things from the same perspective as you do.
The debate is not about Indian army being portrayed as the villain.
And it is not about why has the director skipped over the past and chosen to jump as many say ‘conveniently’ to 1995.

The debate is about whether we who proclaim to be a fully functioning democracy where freedom of expression is of the utmost importance , can  understand that there are many sides to a story.
That stories will not be told according to our convenience.According to our fancy. That we can ask why the other side was not shown but that it does not negate  what has been shown.

We can at best nitpick . Pick holes in the narration.We can criticize .

What we cannot do is ask for it to be banned. We cannot , cannot under any circumstances ban it. Nor can we vow to stop such things from getting made in the future.

A loved one of mine ,  alongwith his men  was left to drown by the locals in the flood waters in a vehicle that was caught up in the fast current of the Jhelum. No effort was made to save them by the locals. The very same locals these men in uniform had gone to save. Instead, do you know what the locals tried to do? Snatch their guns leaving them to drown.

It is a tribute to the army of this country that not only did the men in uniform save themselves from the raging waters of the Jhelum  and their weapons from being snatched by the locals but they also saved  the very same locals a few hours later.

Another loved one has had stones pelted at him and his men. For standing at a place that could erupt at any time and where he had been ordered to keep a vigil. Stones pelted , simply for standing there.

And yet despite this, despite knowing that the lives of my loved ones are on the line, I cannot in my wildest dreams call for banning such movies or for them not to be made.

Because I cannot , will not let my bitterness turn into revenge.

Kaveree Bamzai , a reporter and a Kashmiri Pandit herself, writes, We too once had a home with 25 rooms, an apple tree in the back, and a kitchen garden which grew more than we could eat. The thread of life has been broken, families destroyed and traditions interrupted. But as in Pandita’s case, “the remembering must go on.”

But equally does that mean that one has to negate the suffering chronicled in Basharat Peer’s Curfewed Night, which is as potent as Our Moon Has Blood Clots?

Every community remembers its struggle differently. The Other is a convenient demon, even if he is an intimate friend. Can suffering be measured?

A retired army officer who has served in the valley in the same time period as mentioned in the movie has written his views here. One Haider is not enough.

To think that this movie tells you everything you need to know about Kashmir would be fallacious. We will perhaps need another half a dozen movies just to scratch the surface of the many truths of Kashmir.

There is no reason to believe that it didn’t happen but such incidents (as those of ‘fake encounters’) came down dramatically after the 1996 assembly elections. It is something which ideally shouldn’t have happened but when people are sucked in the vortex of an ugly conflict, ugly things happen. The question of justice for those who suffered in that conflict — innocents, militants, sympathisers, security force personnel, Kashmiri Pandits, families — is a vexed one. Should it be “retributive” justice or “restorative” justice advocated by Mandela in South Africa? Can time heal all the wounds? If so, how much more time do we need? These are complex questions in any conflict and in case of Kashmir, almost impossible to find simple answers to.

Haider is a movie we should welcome whole-heartedly. More than the quality and the message of the movie, the fact that such a political movie can be made and released in this country is something we should be justifiably proud of. Let a thousand more Haiders bloom.

Perhaps Anupama Chopra in her review says it best when she says,

” Go into the film knowing that it is problematic and unwieldy. And that it is one side of the story — Kashmiri Pundits get a token mention and, after being cast as the villain, the Indian army gets a line of praise for its handling of the floods in Kashmir. Those are stories that perhaps other filmmakers will choose to tell. But I can guarantee that you will emerge from Haider shell-shocked. And when was the last time a Hindi film did that to you?’

Rashneek Kher in his review of the movie sums up the feeling of many when he writes,’

The filmmaker chooses to ignore those significant years which saw hundreds of temples being razed to dust, thousands of houses burnt after being looted, which saw this very majority, which is portrayed as almost subjugated, participating in a gory ritual of driving away the minorities and being the subjugators themselves. +There is a convenient script and an inconvenient half truth which makes the very edifice of the movie suspect and thus less credible.

‘Post Script: When I saw the song “Bismil” (which was irrelevant to the movie in any case and could have been shot anywhere else in Kashmir) being pictured there with this big black gory puppet inside the temple, I couldn’t resist but ask if Bharadwaj would have dared to do something similar in a mosque, a church or even a gurudwara? Haider’s convenient half truths and some inconvenient answers.

The reason I say that I understand the anguish of those friends of mine who have felt hurt by the portrayal of the Indian army or how the suffering of kashmiri pandits seems to have been erased is this. Firaaq. I saw that movie by Nandita Das and wrote my views here. 

I was as anguished as all of you are. I too spoke of the other side. And about how could Nandita Das brand an entire community as a villain? Purely evil?

And yet .
And yet I had the same views as I have now. This is what I wrote then.

The beauty and strength of India and infact most democracies is precisely the freedom of expression that they guarantee to their citizens.   India too can have many Firaaqs made and noone can say a word because it is the artistic expression of the filmmaker and her sensibilities that are being portrayed on screen.  

If Nandita Das has chosen to make a movie on the Gujarat Riots we should applaud her.But we should not be completely blind to her limitations as a film maker.   When the Indian liberals say that religion should be kept out of conversations like these,it is equally important to highlight that Nandita Das made this movie as an Indian. Not as Hindu or a Muslim or any other. Do not say that Nandita Das is a Hindu who made a movie on atrocities on Muslims. How is it that religion surfaces here??That too by liberal individuals?   She is an Indian who made a movie on a brutal truth. Period.   The movie ofcourse will not make or break Indian society.Very few movies do. It will be lucky if it is able to earn enough to recover its production costs.   I am not saying this out of any ill intention, but simply because in India unless a movie is a masala movie , they fail to earn anything substantial at the BO and the good ones are left in the lurch.   Firaaq too is a good attempt by a good film maker to show an ugly face of a supposedly ‘normal’ society.   However,the attempt is not brilliant and neither is it unbiased, it is merely good (and i am being generous here) and it remains there.

  Sometime  back, I  had gone to the Wagah border and the Hussainiwala border for  the evening ceremony conducted by BSF.

I saw the people of Pakistan sitting on the other side. In both places, some things on the Pakistani side were similar.

Men and women were seated separately on their side. From the common to the elite class, women did not sit with men from their family. All of the women wore burqahs and hijabs.
Their audience looked uniform. In both Wagah and Hussainiwala..
Same dresses for the men and women. No jeans. Not for men. Nor women.
The women who looked like they were from a more elite background wore a better quality of burqah.

I remember one instance clearly. A newly married Indian couple probably on a honeymoon trip were sitting on our side. The husband and wife were too engrossed in each other to worry much about or pay attention to the ceremony. The husband would nuzzle his wife’s neck and kiss her on the cheek with love in between.

For the entire ceremony, the Pakistanis , the audience and guards alike(the guards furtively so) could not take their eyes off the duo. They looked at the couple as if they were aliens.

And what was the scene on our side? People were busy clicking photographs. They wore anything and everything you could  imagine. Jeans, cargoes, Tank tops, halters, Short skirts, long skirts, sarees, salwar suits. And you couldn’t make out who belonged to which religion or region or which language they spoke. And noone paid attention to the couple.

I have never felt more proud to be an Indian. Or more fortunate.

The naysayers say we are no better. But I beg to disagree.

Oh sir! We are a lot better. The kind of difference that is visible between the armed forces of both the countries should be proof enough. One as  political as it is possible to be and the other so apolitical that they give a whole new meaning to the word.

A blog friend had written a mail to me when we were discussing freedom of expression and the limits to be imposed on it. I still remember some lines of his.  

I think Bradley said a book burns at 485 ° ; at what temperature does a painting burn. And your freedom, gal?

We cannot say what should or shouldn’t be made or shown. To do so would be treading down a very dangerous path. It opens the way for other groups, fringe or otherwise to demand the same. Each group thinks its outrage is justified.  Its demands legitimate. It snowballs from there.

As long as the government of this country can ensure law and order no matter how much the provocation, then films can continue to be made. Artists can continue with their creativity.

And do you know why I want more Haiders to be made? Without any curb on freedom of expression?
Because I want to discuss Article 370. And UCC. (can already imagine the mayhem , can’t you? That is exactly my point)

I will lose all right to do so tomorrow if I do not support an individual’s creativity today.

If you really want to stand up for the soldier,stand up for something concrete.

Materialistic as it sounds, stand up and ask why his pay is peanuts and his pension half of his pay after he retires.

Why is it that he spends an entire lifetime having to choose between taking care of his family or the education of his children or buying his own modest house or ‘indulging’ in luxuries but never all of these in the same lifetime.

A country that goes on dharna for basics such as bijli, paani and the prices of petrol and diesel.

Where homemakers are constantly lamenting the fact that tomato prices have gone up and it has upset their daily budget…where we are outraged when we hear about the prices in the parliament canteen , in that country we are lamenting the fact that our army has been ‘dishonourably’ treated? In a movie?
What a joke!
Do our armed forces personnel and their family members live on air? Or on this intangible called izzat?

This , to me, smacks suspiciously similar to the way the hindus are being exhorted by the fraudulent ‘ representative ‘ senas and their ilk and the muslims by the various religious heads and jamaats. They are not interested in providing education and employment opportunities to the people of their faith whom they claim to represent.

Those who have decided to ‘speak up and defend’ the honour, the izzat of the soldier? I really have nothing to say.

Just a request, please if you can , if you have a conscience , fight for OROP, fight for the benefits that are a soldier’s due. Fight for something concrete. The soldier is tired of these intangibles like izzat and aan.
Give him tangibles. His pay, his pension which should match the magnitude of service that he does for a thankless country.

Make the armed forces a votebank and see how miraculously, almost as if overnight, all their demands will be listened to.

I had the same lament years back. I have the same lament now.

And read this.

The loyal Indian soldier stands alone.

A country makes a sacred contract with its soldiers that while he/she will lay down his/her life when called upon to do so, the nation will take good care of his/her and his/her family’s needs to the extent its resources would permit. The armed forces feel they have never got their due from various pay commissions over the years but the government in its wisdom decided to keep the armed forces away from any representation in the latest Pay Commission.

The dominance of bureaucrats meant that while the interests of the bureaucrats were well-recognised, the armed services once again ended up getting a raw deal.

The discontent is so serious that some of the best and brightest in our services have refused to go for the Higher Command Courses and more and more are seeking an early retirement. Indian armed forces are desperately trying to fill vacancies as other professions are luring the young of the country. Against the sanctioned strength of 300 per batch, the National Defence Academy finds that it can only attract 192 cadres this year. The same story repeats itself in the Indian Military Academy.

A country that purports to be a rising power is facing a shortage of more than 11,000 officers. Our politicians remain more than willing to waste tax payers money by routinely boycotting Parliament and have never shied away from increasing their own pay and allowances, claiming that they remain underpaid. Yet those who defend the sanctity of Parliament are given a short shrift.

Many years later, has anything changed? Ask anyone who wears the uniform. They might not tell you, for the oath they took prevents them from doing so, but their loved ones will.

This country that applauds the relief and rescue work done by its armed forces during natural and man made calamities but does not even for a moment pause and ask why our armed forces are doing the work that ideally should have been carried out by the NDRF?
The civic agencies?

By any other agency except the armed forces.

Did our forces sign up for this?
Weren’t they meant to safeguard this country’s borders?
To protect it from external enemies?

So when did they start cleaning up the messes our politicians and our countrymen created?

When and why were they given the all round responsibilities of solving all the crises of this nation?

So the question is not what price is a soldier’s izzat? In some movie or some artwork.

The question is what price is a soldier’s invaluable work?
In war AND in peace?

What price is a soldier’s life?

That is what this country needs to ask itself.

It is the soldier who ensures that we enjoy unfettered freedom of expression in this country.
Let us not erode that freedom in his name.

PS:- Apologies for the change in font size at places. Technical glitches


July 30, 2014

They quote Kafka and Jung and Ghalib.

And pontificate on what it means to be a ‘liberal’. Endless pontification.

I know because I am one of them.

On what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

Of having a spine. And standing up.

Standing up when they can’t .

They say,” but…but… you? ….he?……how?”

His is a free soul. Mine is bound by thoughts, opinions, books, words, others.

He is his own person.

He doesn’t give a damn about the world. Not when it comes to doing something.

He is a doer. I am a dreamer.

There is a madness in our love. The kind of love that comes when two beings who are opposites come together.

I cannot fool him. Do you know why? Because he does not carry  the baggage of Kafka and Jung and Freud .

Because I cannot make a pithy remark on the frivolities of life and hope to get away with it.

Marriage. A meeting of two halves. A union of two similar beings.

But why? Why do we need to have things in common? I avoided ‘common’ like the plague.

Because the last thing I wanted to do was live my life with someone who had thoughts, opinions, values, judgements similar to my own.

We found each other. I don’t know how. But we did.

Different states. Different languages. Different cultures. Different backgrounds. Different outlook towards life.

Because he never makes me feel as if I have gotten more than I deserve.

And yet can you believe that both of us feel that we have gotten more than we deserve?:)

Because when his wife gets stubborn as hell, he stands right by her, come hell or high water. No questions asked.

And then gently  asks her later,” Feel like talking about it?”

Brooding at times. Sunny at others. This man who is a little kid at heart. Who finds it supremely funny whenever I scream while watching a horror movie.

Who loves to give me the horrendous scares by sneaking up on me.

We are currently on 10-6 approximately. 10 being my score ofcourse. I have smartened up. 😉

This hubby of mine who helps me in filling up forms and it reminds me of ma and dad.

The care they took when it came to my education.

The way he reminds me to keep my admit card/pens/lunch. You name it. It’s making me smile as I write this.

When he paces outside waiting for my exam to get over…

Listening patiently to my rambles about the question paper, the examiners..

With a belief so strong that his wife will get through all exams no matter what:)

When he gives me a look in a room full of people and it speaks volumes.

A beautiful memory, a mischievious smile, a thought about something …all of it in one look.

When he tucks me in like a little kid coz I have been out in the cold enjoying ‘the evening’

and rubs vicks on a cold red nose…not saying a word because he knows me by now.

The let’s-see-who -kicks-the-other-off-the-bed-first game. laughing like crazy loons all the while.

When I write super corny lines while murdering a perfectly good (great) poem.

You bring out the army brat in me.

You bring out the indignant me.

The” how dare they?” in me.

the ‘let’s go on our own journey’ in me.

The ‘world can take a hike’ in me.

The need to drown myself in jasmine ittar and nothing else. 

‘I shouldnt’ eat so many chocs.

and ‘oh what the hell!we live just once ‘ in me.

To eat your share of chocs too while you look on indulgently.

You bring out the bauble lovin prima donna in me.

and the anxious ”do I look good in this? in me.

The ‘let’s collect all mushy romantic  quotes’ in me.

Ghalib & Saahir & Meer in me.

She is Language, he is Thought
She is Prudence, he is Law
He is Reason; she is Sense
She is Duty; he is Right
He is Will; she is Wish
He is Pity; she is Gift
He is Song; she is Note
She is Fuel; he is Fire
She is Glory; he is Sun
She is Motion; he is Wind
He is Battle ; she is Might
He is Lamp; she is Light
He is Day; she is Night
He is Justice; she is Pity
He is Channel; she is River
She is Beauty; he is Strength
She is Body; he is Soul
-Vishnu Purana

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


My soul is at peace.:)

Last year’s draft when I gave some crucial exams:)

When Great Trees Fall

May 28, 2014

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
gnaws on kind words
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

From the poetry volume, ‘I shall not be moved.’


Maya Angelou


December 28, 2013

Words are beautiful. Sometimes ugly.  Brutal if need be. But mostly beautiful.

For those who know how to use them right.

Pure. Rich. Necessary. Words in any language.

But when a language and its proud owners wear the elite cloak on some days, nose high up in the air, refusing to look down on mere mortals, sniggering behind the backs of those who struggle to express themselves in precisely the way they would like them to.

No, I am not just talking of the bard’s tongue. But yes, that too.

The snide smiles. The condescending words. The patronizing remarks.

I am standing right here, remember this.

That person may not, but I will rip you apart.

Remember that. Word for word. Line by line. Each sentence burnt beyond recognition. Memories fading into oblivion.

The inability to express one’s thoughts in a poetical, lyrical manner is not the speaker’s problem. It is yours.

And truth be told, I distrust anyone who waxes all poetical about things most mudane. Every single  moment. Every darn day.

Because some you see, have to get work done. The way they know best.

Straightforwardly. Without complexities. Without the ‘big’ words.

That is one of the biggest reasons this world has survived. Is surviving.

They may have more experience than you could ever imagine. More joys and more sorrows than you could ever hope to gather in a lifetime.

More sense than god ever granted you.

They have their own way of expressing it.

Bigger, more beautiful words don’t make you ‘better’ than others. They just disguise who you are depending on how  you choose to use them.

And you tainted the words, no matter how beautiful, the moment you used them as a tool to look down upon others less vocal than you.

Doing that just makes you look like an arse of the highest order.

Remember that the next time you snigger.

Anyone with the power to make words do his/her bidding is a healer. And if you have been given this power, use it. Don’t misuse it.


December 24, 2013

आज एक बचपन की दोस्त को टीवी पर देखा. दोस्त भी क्या कहूं , बचपन वाली बेस्ट फ्रेंड थी कभी .
गहरे दोस्त.
के जी से लेकर करीब पांचवी तक . बाहों में बाहें डालकर घूमना . एक दुसरे का टिफ़िन खाना. उसे अंडे बड़े पसन्द थे और आती थी शुद्ध ब्राह्मण परिवार से . मेरे टिफ़िन में मम्मी एक अंडा उसके लिए भी डाल  देती थीं . संभ्रांत परिवार था उसका  .

पिता उस समय सबसे बड़े हिंदी दैनिक के सम्पादक हुआ करते थे (शायद आज भी हों . मैं जानती नहीं ) माँ बड़ी सीधी -सादी महिला थीं . एक छोटी सी बहन भी थी जो मेरे छोटे  भाईयों से लड़ती रहती थी. बच्चों वाली मासूम लड़ाई . मेरा खिलौना – तेरा खिलौना  वाली .

जैसा कि लगभग सभी पुरानी पीढ़ियों के साथ था कि सभी कांग्रेसी रहे थे . हमारे- उसके शायद ज़्यादातर परिवारों की यही कहानी थी . फर्क ये था की आज भी  वे कट्टर कांग्रेसी थे  उसके माता पिता और वह   खुद भी . बचपन से ही. पुरानी पीढ़ियों की सोच को ही जस का तस अपना लिया गया था .

खैर कहानी यहाँ से शुरू हुई की वो  मेरे बचपन की दोस्त थी . ‘  अबे यार ‘  ‘क्या स्वाद बना है ‘ उसके प्यारे से तकिया कलाम थे मानो .

हमेशा घर चले आना और खूब खेलना . दोस्तों वाली प्रतिस्पर्धा भी थी .” तू फर्स्ट कैसे आयी? कॉपी दिखा. ”     ”देख मेरे कितने मार्क्स  आए.”

फर्स्ट , सेकंड का ज़िम्मा हम दोनों ने ही सम्भाल रखा था. कभी मैं, कभी वो.

जब मम्मी पापा हमें पड़ोस की दुकान तक भेजने से डरते थे तब वो  भागती भागती मुट्ठी में कुछ रुपये पकडे नुक्कड़ की  दुकान से टॉफीयां ले आती थी

स्कूल भी हमारा बड़ा ही प्यारा सा था . उसमे बड़े बिज़नस वालों  के बच्चे भी थे , हम जैसे मिडिल क्लास फौजी अफसर के बच्चे , मंदिर के पुजारी का बेटा, राष्ट्रीय दैनिक के सम्पादक के बच्चे और नाले के उस पार झोंपड़ी में रहनेवालों के बच्चे भी .

टीवी पर इस दोस्त को लम्बे समय से देखती आ रही थी . जब उसने छात्र राजनीति में कदम रखा ही था . जब वो युवा नेता थी दिल्ली की . आज प्रवक्ता है सबसे बड़ी पार्टी की . बहुत बुद्धिमान , बेहद खूबसूरत और ठहरी हुई सी . लगता तो ऐसा ही है.
अपनी इस सहेली से आज से करीब सात -आठ साल पहले मिली थी . तब भी हम शायद दस साल बाद ही मिल रहे थे .

कल टीवी पर देखते देखते यूँ ही मन हुआ की उसे ढूँढूँ और फिर वही हंसी सुनूँ.

एक सोशल नेटवर्किंग साईट पर खोज शुरू की . पहले ही पेज पर वो दिखी . दुल्हन के लिबास में . बड़ी सुन्दर . बला की . फिर उत्सुकता हुई जानने की. शादी हुई तो कब ? किससे ? अंकल आंटी और छुटकी वह प्यारी सी तुतलाती सी बहन कहाँ है ? कई फ़ोटो देखे . आंटी अंकल वैसे ही हैं. बहन भी उतनी ही प्यारी है अब शायद जर्नलिज्म का कोर्स कर रही है .
आखिर में main पेज खोला . ठिठक सी गयी .

देश की सबसे पुरानी राजनीतिक पार्टी के सर्वे सर्वा खड़े थे dulha दुल्हन के साथ . माँ – बेटा और सभी दिग्गज .
जाने क्या सोच कर फ्रेंड रिक्वेस्ट नहीं भेजी .

जाने किस बात का डर है.
शायद इस राजनीतिज्ञ में मुझे अपनी बचपन की सहेली ना मिले.
शायद उसे मैं याद ना हूँ .
और सबसे बड़ा डर शायद ये की इतनी करीबी दोस्ती सत्ताधारों से शायद मुझसे सम्भाले न सम्भले .

हर गम की अपनी एक दास्तां है

November 19, 2013

एक लड़की जो अब भी लड़की ही है, बड़ी ही कब हुई ?   पर अब माँ कुछ ज्यादा क्यूंकि जिससे वो  रूठती  मचलती थी वो अब नहीं है …..

अब उसकी दुनिया उसके बच्चे में सिमटी सी है  …..

अपने बच्चे के साथ कभी माँ कभी दोस्त …..पर उसकी  भी तो  एक अलग दुनिया होगी कभी ………फिर?

हमसफ़र को आँखें  अब भी तलाशती हैं ….एक गाना सुनकर धीरे से अपने आंसू पोंछना …कोई देख ना ले…..ऐसा हमसफ़र जिससे बेइंतहां प्यार था …

खुद एक नन्ही सी डरी  सी बच्ची ….कुछ गुनगुनाते हुए …..एक  पल के लिए ठिठक सी जाती हो  मानो …कभी एक तस्वीर दिखाती है….” ये V  हैं ”…….लगता है समेट लूं  और बचा लूं हर दर्द से …पर दर्द तो मिल चुका है…..इतनी बड़ी चोट ….जिसे यूँ पाया , संजोया और खो दिया ?

ऐसे पलों में मैं अपनी आँखें चुराती हूँ…क्या कहूं और कैसे….?

…घाव अब भी दर्द देता है…..कई पल…अनगिनत पल जब वो कुछ देखते देखते खो सी  जाती हैं …..ऐसे एक पल में आज लगा ….क्यूँ?  किसने लिखा इतना दर्द इनके लिए? क्यूँ?

भगवान्… ईश्वर इन शब्दों से विश्वास   उठ चुका है  ……

गम सभी एक से हों, ऐसा ज्ररुरी तो नही, ये मै जानती हूँ

हर गम की अपनी एक दास्तां है कुछ मुस्कुराएँ हैं अभी- अभी .. फिर चौंककर देखते हैं अपना अक्स आईने में

कुछ सॉस लेना भूल चुकें हैं बस जीए जा रहें हैं…   .

गम सभी एक से हों, ऐसा ज्ररुरी तो नही, ये मै जानती हूँ

हर गम की अपनी एक दास्तां है

क्या लिखूं?

November 10, 2013

शब्दों में डूबने उतराने वाली लड़की आज निशब्द  है ?

हैरानी है खुद पर….. कभी मुस्कुराते हैं. कभी लड़ते हैं . कभी रूठते तो कभी मनाते हैं

दोस्त, हमसफ़र, माँ बाप  एक दुसरे  के सब कुछ हैं अब हम दोनों ..

आगे और जन्मदिनों के लिए…अनगिनत…… हंसी ठिठोली से भरे …..साथ-साथ …हमेशा…

उम्र बीत जाये यूँ ही, बस इतनी सी दुआ है…

और क्या कहूं ? शब्दों में समेटना नामुमकिन है…बस इतना ही…

For being my strength…


और इस बातूनी लड़की को निशब्द करने के लिए …….:)

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